Divine Exchange: The Power of Surrender
September, my birthday month and his.
Always a month a looked forward to, celebrating our birthdays together, 2 days apart. I had spent my birthday in labor with him, and I never let him forget it!
This year’s September is bittersweet.
Last year and the year before it was excruciating.
March 17, 2019, I woke up to my husband uttering the words that no parent ever wants to hear. Our youngest son, Cody had been killed in a car accident.
I will never forget the sound of my husband’s voice as he forced the words out of his mouth, standing there helpless and heartbroken.
Telling his older brother and sister was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I have always admired strong and courageous women. My mother being one of them.
Those women who stand up for what they believe, firm in their convictions and whom are not swayed even in the darkest moments of their lives.
As a young woman I aspired to be like them.
I hadn’t yet realized that strength arises out of brokenness.
True strength, one that not only sustains and endures, but also produces character and hope can only come from One source. And I knew it wasn’t me.
In those early days after we lost Cody, I barely had enough strength to get out of bed. Breathing, taking one breath in and one out, took everything within me.
I knew in my spirit, that if I was going to survive this well, I had no choice but to lean into God.
I leaned in. HARD.
Every wave of gut wrenching grief. Every fear, every sob I gave to God. There were days when I would wander aimlessly around the house groaning and wailing.
There were no words, just endless waves of pain and heartbreak over and over and over again.
I learned very early on, that if I was going to get through, I had to surrender all the grief, the pain, the unanswered questions, the fear and the doubt to Him, or it would bury me.
He was the only One strong enough to carry it all.
I learned not to be scared of pain. My tears and my brokenness were a precious gift to the Father.
In those moments, it was a divine opportunity to lean in and worship Him. Moments that I would never have again.
His Presence was SO MUCH greater than my offering.
2 Cor 12:9b TPT ‘…..for when I am weak, I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me.’
I knew that God was good. Even when I didn’t understand. I learned to trust Him in the mystery. In the unanswered questions, surrounded by uncertainty, engulfed in pain.
As I positioned myself at His feet, surrendering EVERYTHING I had – my hopes, my dreams, my fears and my heartbreak, a DIVINE EXCHANGE began to take place.
Slowly I began to breathe again. Moments without the knife twisting pain in my heart began to filter through.
3 years down the track. I still miss him everyday.
Is the pain still there?
Yes, delicately tucked away just beneath the surface, embedded in the broken pieces of my heart, that God has so tenderly woven back together.
This broken heart of mine will never be the same. To be honest, I don’t want it to be.
God has transformed my heart with all its brokenness into a much more tender, forgiving and loving heart.
Held together by a divine thread from Heaven that is stronger in my weakness than it ever was in my own strength.
2 Cor 12:10b TPT says “For my weakness becomes a portal of God’s power.”
What better place would I ever want to be, but in His Presence with His mighty strength surging through me.
An ordained pastor for the past 18 years as well as a business owner with her husband; Kim has always been passionate about seeing people set free, to live authentic and powerful lives filled with freedom, purpose and joy.
Today, even more so after losing her youngest son in a tragic accident in 2019. She writes from a tender place of heartbreak and hope, learning to live authentically with the tension of pain and joy. Through story, whether written or spoken. Kim lives with eternity forever on her mind, whilst being raw and real in the midst of it. You can connect with her on her website, Instagram, or Facebook.