The words flowed out of my mouth faster than I could stop them.
Angry words, harsh words, words that were not building up but tearing down. After I calmed down from my meltdown, I thought to myself, “How did I end up back here.”
Friends, sometimes we are going to backslide. We are going to fall back into old habits that we have been working on years to break.
For me, I have struggled with exploding, blaming, and speaking angry words towards my loved ones. I am not proud of it, but through counseling and hard work, I began to see healing. Our family even adopted the phrase, “my response is my responsibility.”
Sadly, this past weekend, my response was not one I want to admit. In the middle of a stressful situation, the old me showed its angry face again. Words were spoken to my kids that I wish I could take back.
What shocked me even more was my initial apology to them. Instead of completely owning it, I said to my kids, “I am sorry, but you….” I know better- I know that an apology cannot include a “but” if I am fully owning my choices.
I just could not believe I was back here struggling with this again. Deeply concerned, I have put a lot of thought into what caused this backslide.
I believe my time spent with Jesus and reading my Bible is directly proportional to how well I can control my reactions.
Honestly, these past couple weeks, I have skipped my quiet time many mornings as life has been busy. I think the cumulative effect of missing time with Jesus meant I was trying to do life in my own strength.
Friends, we were never meant to do life in our own strength.
I know I don’t have enough patience to respond lovingly when I am overly stressed. I need God’s strength to respond with kind words, and not react in anger. Maybe you do too.
Hours after my mishap, I finally repaired the rupture with my kids the correct way. I fully owned my choices and asked for their forgiveness.
Thankfully, our backslides don’t define us. They reveal areas we still need to work on and fully surrender to God, and then they lead us back into the arms of Jesus.
Praying we can all depend of God’s strength this week.